May 14 2017 Getting Ahead 4 - How to Deal with a Controlling Person - by Mike Marette

I love preaching on this! It is such a rich story – and it is one of those things that makes me love preaching – this story is GENIUS!

How to deal with a controlling person –

If you have a boss or someone else in your life who is a control freak – how do we respond?

Genesis 29

Then Jacob continued on his journey and came to the land of the eastern peoples. 2 There he saw a well in the open country, with three flocks of sheep lying near it because the flocks were watered from that well. The stone over the mouth of the well was large. 3 When all the flocks were gathered there, the shepherds would roll the stone away from the well's mouth and water the sheep. Then they would return the stone to its place over the mouth of the well. 4 Jacob asked the shepherds, "My brothers, where are you from?" "We're from Harran," they replied.

5 He said to them, "Do you know Laban, Nahor's grandson?" "Yes, we know him," they answered. 6 Then Jacob asked them, "Is he well?" "Yes, he is," they said, "and here comes his daughter Rachel with the sheep."

(How convenient!)

7 "Look," he said, "the sun is still high; it is not time for the flocks to be gathered. Water the sheep and take them back to pasture." 8 "We can't," they replied, "until all the flocks are gathered and the stone has been rolled away from the mouth of the well. Then we will water the sheep."

9 While he was still talking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was their shepherd. 10 When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of Laban, his mother's brother, and Laban's sheep, he went over and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle's sheep. 11 Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud.

There is a theme here that runs throughout the Bible – and that story is this: Man leaves home – man goes on a long journey – man stops at well – man meets a woman – man gets married to woman!

As you read through the Bible – look for this theme – and there is an ultimate story to this – the ultimate Man who goes on a long journey from Heaven – and He is the spring of living water – and it leads to a bride of eternal life.

12 He had told Rachel that he was a relative of her father and a son of Rebekah. So she ran and told her father. 13 As soon as Laban heard the news about Jacob, his sister's son, he hurried to meet him. He embraced him and kissed him and brought him to his home, and there Jacob told him all these things.

It seems at this point that maybe fortune is smiling down on Jacob – maybe God is smiling down – or maybe not. There is a progression of events that takes place: He lies and deceives his father on his deathbed. He steals his brother’s blessing. He flees his brother’s wrath. He has this God-encounter when camping at Bethel. Often, after we have a God-encounter – maybe at a conference or an answer to prayer – and it feels like all is right with the world and we ask ourselves – how could I ever doubt God? Or we’ll say things like – God did this great thing! I will never doubt

14 Then Laban said to him, "You are my own flesh and blood." After Jacob had stayed with him for a whole month, 15 Laban said to him, "Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be."

All is not yet right with Jacob – with Jacob as a person. So all is not yet right in Jacob’s world. There is a not so subtle hint in these words – tell me what your wages should be. The people originally reading this would be alerted to something that Laban is doing that is very sneaky – or as Gollum would say – Tricksy.

Jacob was the great schemer – the original deal maker – and in Laban, Jacob’s uncle – he meets his match! And these two schemers are going to enter into a prize fight of epic proportions. We looked at his mom, Rebekah, - she was a schemer – and now we see her son and brother BOTH are as well! There is a lot we could go into on families of origin and stuff. Go back a generation or two – and there is stuff there that is unhealthy and it takes a lot of work to break that stuff. In the Bible – we can see – generationally – how it happens. And there is a reality where it is true for all of us. There is family stuff that goes back and it goes on to those after us. And we, at some point in our lives – have to address that and not just shove it under the rug. Families do that – and we need to stop and examine the stuff that is there that needs to be dealt with. At some point, we just need to go there. Pick up the rug and dust it out!

16 Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. 17 Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. 18 Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel."

This should take us back to the story of Isaac and the stealing of the blessing. Isaac’s eyes were blind because of old age. Jacob’s eyes are blinded by love – and Laban seizes the advantage and takes the opportunity. Just as Jacob was opportunistic – so is Laban. He will use Jacob to enrich himself.

19 Laban said, "It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me."

Sounds kind of innocent – but there is a lot behind it. It is anything BUT innocent!

20 So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.

This sounds so romantic – oh wow, we think – so romantic and so true. Jacob is allowing himself to be bamboozled and he doesn’t know it. The classic Rope-a-dope, in the words of Muhammad Ali.

Prudence is being able to see future consequences of current actions. And Jacob does not have it.

21 Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her." 22 So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. 23 But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. 24 And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.

What goes around comes around. The irony of this cannot be missed. Go back to the story of Jacob going to his father with the goat skin on – and you think – how could that have happened? But Jacob is now reaping what he sowed.

25 When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?"

Go back to the scene with Esau – “Jacob deceived us again!” – and now it is back on him.

26 Laban replied, "It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one.

Here we have the older one and the younger one all over again! Jacob cannot escape himself! And neither can we! We are who we are – and wherever we go – there we are. We take ourselves into every relationship. We have to learn to address our own issues.

The first week, we looked at the younger son and older son and God being in conflict with the way the world works. When the way the world works benefits us – we are okay with that. But when the ways of the world don’t work out – not so much. Kinda like the Electoral College. When your person wins because of the Electoral College, you’re like, it is a good thing the Founding Fathers put that in there! But when your candidate does NOT win because of it – you say, We need to get rid of that!

In reality – Jacob is in conflict with the ways of God.

27 Finish this daughter's bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work."

28 And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. 29 Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. 30 Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah.

Again – back to Isaac and Rebekah – there is favoritism and this family has been corroded by it.

And he worked for Laban another seven years.

I think this is hilarious: Notice it doesn’t say how fast those years went!

The application – what if we work with or live with a manipulator, controller or schemer? What do we do? Four practical lessons – things to do in that situation – how do we work in that circumstance? I will start with a caution: Some people are so ingrained in this, so broken, that there is nothing we can do. You might just need to leave. If you can’t leave – maybe all we can do is pray – and maybe learn – like Jesus said – to love our enemies, even in that circumstance. But there are places where we can make a difference.

First – we need to learn to walk a mile in the other’s shoes. Learn empathy. And the reason we do that – remember Bob Dispenza? He said, the reason we walk a mile in another’s shoes is so that you get their shoes and you’re a mile away! But the reason we do it – is so we might be able to engage in a way that is patient and gracious. People become schemers and manipulators for a reason. There are things inside of them that are broken. Empathy is understanding why that person is the way they are – to dig deep enough that we understand – and then we can help the person with compassion. Again, there are some where that will be of no benefit – because the person is unchangeable. But often the case, a person has been hurt and hurt – and they become this way because of it.

Second – when appropriate – we need to speak the truth in love to the person. Again, some people do not want to hear it from you. There are those who are set in their ways – and again, pray, love your enemies. BUT - too often, we are unwilling or afraid – to say, “Hey! There is something I need to talk to you about!” We need to do it in love – but at times we need to do it. It can be helpful to ask if you can talk to someone about something that is personal in their life. Ask! Can we talk about this? Can I share something with you that I noticed? If they say No, then don’t – you’re done. That’s it. If you continue, then you become the manipulator. But if they say yes – then you have permission to share with them. And we need to do it in love. It is really hard to do that – to talk to someone about something you have noticed – in love. We’d rather push it under the rug and not deal with it and avoid the person and continue to be upset and angry. Some won’t want to hear it.

Third – we need to learn, with folks like that – to communicate thoroughly and often – to give lots of information. Control issues come from insecurity – fear of being wrong or failure or losing. The more you can communicate, the more that person can have the knowledge they need to not be insecure. That person needs to know that those things are not going to happen.

Fourth – we need to become a non-anxious presence. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix – by Edwin Friedman – “America is chronically anxious and it is destroying us.” He says being an anxious presence in those tense circumstances is a sign of emotional immaturity – and the real need is emotional maturity. Anxiety is emotional immaturity. And in those circumstances – where someone is trying to control – it is easy to become anxious – but we need to separate ourselves emotionally from the controlling person or the environment. When we get anxious or stressed out – in that circumstance – we give power over to the controlling person to control more! They feed on our anxiety. Our anxiety over the circumstance enables them to do more and more – to take more and more control. But this is hard, because this takes trust in God. I am going to have control over my emotions about this problem – and the controlling person cannot deal with that. They don’t have the emotional maturity to know how to respond. And there is so much that can take place – stuff starts to happen and people get stressed and the emotion takes control of the situation. But when a person comes in and shows emotional maturity and a nonanxious presence.

Children learn how to be great manipulators from infancy – they cry – they get fed (and changed!). They cry – they get held and loved. But when they get older – they learn – they can manipulate in other ways. With kids it is innocent – but it continues as people grow. They learn to do that.

People who are controlling use anxiety to keep control. They lose control to get control.

We have a mistake in our thinking – we connect our level of anxiety with our level of engagement and concern. And we view the nonanxious calm person as disengaged. Now some people are passive – and that is totally different from being nonanxious. The person who is actively nonanxious is engaged more than anyone else. To engage without anxiety. But passive aggressiveness is a different topic. It is the calm way of manipulating.

When stuff starts happening at work – and the control person starts controlling – step back and tell yourself that you will be emotionally mature – and it takes confidence in God and in our emotions to know that no one else can control us. Only I can control me.

In case you are the controlling person: there are two forms: overt – the schemer – the bully – and the second – the more subtle form of manipulation – spiritual manipulation – giving gifts, being sweet – being passive – but it is still manipulation. Right before this – he talks about judging people – which manipulates through shame and guilt - trying to get them to be the way we want through shame and guilt. And this person is one who manipulates in a subtle way:

Matthew 7:6 Do not give what is holy to dogs or throw your pearls before pigs; otherwise they will trample them under their feet and turn around and tear you to pieces.

He connects this with judging – and right before that – he spends about twelve verses on anxiety – and all this fits together – focusing on control.

When we are casting pearls before pigs – Jesus is saying – we are doing this when we are not at peace with the choices or chosen path of another. We try to get them to choose a different path by giving them stuff of value. This is in the context of judging another’s behavior. So we manipulate through good advice – we ask – how can I get my boss/spouse/friend… to …. Then fill in the next blank.

You can’t take people where they don’t want to go – whether we do it in negative or positive ways –

But Jesus is saying – we need to learn to recognize that people make their own choices in life – and our job is to be the right kind of people.

John Ortberg to Dallas Willard: I’m not seeing in my church people being transformed the way they should- what do I need to do to make that happen. Is there a program to bring about spiritual transformation? Live your life in such a way that you are experiencing joy and contentment in God at all times! John responded: I don’t think you understand! I am asking about others in my church! Dallas replied: I know what you were asking – you need to live your life so that you are experiencing joy and contentment in the presence of Christ. The problem is not the people in your church – you cannot take them anywhere you have not already been. The issue is you! It is good for us to say that at times – the issue is ME. In my marriage – in my work – the issue is me. What do I need to do?

It is our lives and who we are that helps others move in their own lives.

That is the beginning of solving control issues.