May 20 2018 Wisdom in Relationships - WISE SPEECH!

Father, as we turn our hearts to you in worship, now we turn to You in prayer. Thank You for the opportunity to be before You this morning – Thank You for the Holy Spirit – we have the power of God living inside of us. May our lives be changed and transformed into the image of Christ. I ask that our lives be more like Jesus as a result of today. In Your Name we pray.

Wisdom in Relationships – WISE SPEECH!

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence. (Pro 10:11 TNIV)

Speech that heals is like a life-giving tree, but a perverse tongue breaks the spirit. (Pro 15:4 NET)

Our speech – our words – even our tone – have impact on relationships for good or bad.

We’ve all heard the old saying – “Sticks and stones may break my bones” – but words… can really hurt – or kill – or give life!

The Book of Proverbs covers a lot of ground regarding relationships and speech. As we cover all this ground, we will probably land at a point that is convicting to you – that is at least our hope! I know that ALL toes will be stepped on here. I know how I have felt as I’ve looked at these verses – and I don’t want it to be a discouraging thing – but this one is for me.

It is important to understand – this is not just about the words we say. Some words are bad and some are good – but there is much more to it.

Proverbs 25:11 Like apples of gold in settings of silver Is a word spoken in right circumstances. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold Is a wise reprover to a listening ear.

The key to making speech life-giving is the right word to the right person at the right time. That is the tricky part about this.

The right word to the wrong person at the wrong time – can be harmful.

Jesus said – do not cast your pearls before swine. The pearl is the right word – and the swine is the wrong person at the wrong time - The right word to the wrong person at the wrong time is hurtful.

If someone blesses his neighbor (should we not bless people? Don’t read ahead!) with a loud voice early in the morning – it will be counted as a curse to him. It is the right word – a blessing – but it is the wrong person at the wrong time in the wrong tone!

At times we let ‘the prophetic self take over’ – We think we have the right word – the prophetic word -and so any time is the right time and any person is the right person. We do this all the time. The right word does not give you license to destroy.

Here is the most common example of this. This is where WISDOM comes in. Wisdom teaches us how to respond – the right time and right way – common example:

Someone is going through a difficult time and is experiencing deep sorrow – we come up with a right word – Scripture is a right word, right? “Rejoice always!” – “We know all things work together for good!” - It might be the right word, but it is the wrong time or the wrong person.

Think before you speak!

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Prov. 12:18)

One of my grandsons will sometimes start swinging his toys around – and we all jump out of the way! So is a rash word. It is like taking a sword and swinging it around in a crowd. Someone will get hurt.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. (Jam 1:19)

When we allow ourselves to be quick to anger – the next thing that happens is like the swinging of swords – when we allow ourselves to speak out of our anger.

Insecurity – when we feel insecure, we have a tendency to speak rashly – and we put others down to bring ourselves up.

Anxiety – when conflict and disagreement arise in a relationship – anxiety begins to stir and we begin speaking without thinking.

Another area is pride.

The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. (Pro 15:28)

So much of our speech problem is impulsive, because of the emotions involved. It is without pondering, thinking, or listening to understand, without empathy and sympathy. We need to stop and ponder how to answer.

The same goes for posts and tweets on social media. How often do we ask – did they think before posting this? The entire universe asks, Did they think about it? We see it so easily in others, but so difficultly with ourselves!

Prov. 10:19 When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise.

The truly wise person restrains his words, and the one who stays calm is discerning. Even a fool who remains silent is considered wise, and the one who holds his tongue is deemed discerning. (Pro 17:28)

Unless you are shy or introverted, you have probably left a conversation thinking you’ve monopolized a conversation – and if you’ve never thought that, others have!

At times I think – did I talk too much – did I give the other person the opportunity to say what they needed to say?

It is fine to have much to say – but we need to learn to examine and evaluate our conversations – ask – Did I really hear what they said? Did I understand? Could I repeat back what I’ve heard and would they agree that is what they said?

Did I draw out other people? Or did I bring others into the conversation? We do this by asking questions. A wise man is able to draw out others.

Another question: Ask yourself, “Was the conversation distributed evenly?” Did someone monopolize it – or was it evenly given? I know there are times when others need to talk, but in general, we need to have our little timer going – and to recognize when the other person hasn’t engaged.

If this happens to be an issue for you – have a plan – a strategy – Ask, “How am I going to go about this?” Or “What am I going to do?” “How can I bring others into this conversation?” Make it in such a way that everyone can contribute.

Prov. 15:1 A gentle response turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

Gentle words, Kindness, patience – forbearance, approachability – contribute to healthy conversations and relationships.

Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone. (Prov. 25:15)

Proper responses can deescalate a situation. We tend to feed off others’ emotions and responses – and the calories from that food are converted to our mouths going – to words – and oftentimes, the words that are converted are not the right words at the right time to the right person. We need to guard ourselves before speaking.

Edwin Freeman – in A Failure of Nerve – relational systems – families, businesses, schools, churches are relational systems. The very nature of having people involved – there is dysfunction of some kind. In your workplace, there is stuff going on because of the way it is set up – to have forms of dysfunction within them. The systems can draw everyone into the dysfunction. You can see it in a family where alcoholism is a problem. People become enablers. And it eats at and destroys the family.

It is true in workplaces and churches. Every church. Because there are people here. We want our way – the way we want it to be. SO there are power struggles. And then – within the church – it is the same way – everyone gets drawn into the dysfunction.

“We need to learn to be self-differentiated people” – instead of getting drawn into the stress and gossip – we need to be able to stand back yet remain relational people – knowing our limits and not entering into the dysfunction. I know how I need to respond – but our tendency is to get caught up in the anxiety and stress of it all. We can stay connected with people without taking on their dysfunction – and others can do the same with us. Their emotional baggage – and others can do the same with us. That is what it means to be wise.

There are aggressive and passive aggressive ways to wound with words – we tend to look at the aggressive – those who yell – but any speech that manipulates someone to do our will is speech that wounds. It is possible to be totally polite and use quiet words to manipulate people to do our will. There is no difference between that and those who are angry and yell. And yet the quiet passive aggressive can be more manipulative.

Prov. 20:19 The one who goes about gossiping reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with someone who is always opening his mouth.

Gossip is putting others down so that we feel better about our own failures.

Gossip is also lying. It not only has a negative impact on the person you are gossiping about – it has a negative impact on the one you are gossiping to, and the one you are gossiping about.

The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down into the person's innermost being. (Prov. 18:8)

Sometimes we get in relationships triangles – it is a child getting one parent against another, or a mother getting her daughter against her son-in-law. They can be subtle but destructive. It can be as simple as making a decision, or something much more complex.

Flattery will get you nowhere! Actually, it can get you in a lot of trouble.

The one who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his steps. (Prov. 29:5)

A lying tongue hates those it crushes, And a flattering mouth works ruin. (Prov. 26:28)

Flattery – is a promotion of self. Flattery is always about you - It is manipulation to get others to do your will. We need to respect people enough to know that they are created in the image of God and are given the freedom to decide how they will live. We think we know better.

Sarcasm:

Like a madman who shoots firebrands and deadly arrows, so is a person who deceives his neighbor, and says, "Was I not only joking?" (Prov. 26:18-19)

Trying to be clever gets us in a whole lot of trouble! We are trying to make a point. I understand that there may be a place in say, some cartoon for it – I don’t know if that is even true – but Galatians 6 says – if you have a point to make – you who are spiritual, restore such a one – gently – so that you are not also tempted. Say it with grace and gentleness – with the attitude of – what I am telling you – I could be the same.

Moving to James, the last section – James is also a ‘Wisdom book’.

James 3:2 For we all stumble in many ways. If someone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect individual, able to control the entire body as well.

I heard a seminary professor in a podcast – “Cheer up! Good news! We’re all worse than we think we are!”

That is good news when we can come to that realization – each of us is like a duck – even if we look calm on top of the water, we are all going crazy underneath the surface.

Perfect – is referring to Christian maturity – not a contest or race – but we think of it like one sometimes – it is not like you can get to THIS level of spiritual maturity – it is a moment by moment state of being. So in the time where you are controlling your tongue – where you have reign over your speech – you are wise – you are mature.

I am not mature yet, Paul says…Forgetting what lies behind, I press ON – Paul says in Philippians 3 – and we are simply moving forward in the moment – in this relationship – in this conversation – in this job – in this day, Like Christ.

James 3:3 And if we put bits into the mouths of horses to get them to obey us, then we guide their entire bodies. 4 Look at ships too: Though they are so large and driven by harsh winds, they are steered by a tiny rudder wherever the pilot's inclination directs. 5 So too the tongue is a small part of the body, yet it has great pretensions.

Very small things can have enormous impact on very large things – and James is saying the tongue is a small thing that can have a huge impact.

James 3:6

Think how small a flame sets a huge forest ablaze. 6 And the tongue is a fire! The tongue represents the world of wrongdoing among the parts of our bodies. It pollutes the entire body and sets fire to the course of human existence– and is set on fire by hell.

James 3:7 For every kind of animal, bird, reptile, and sea creature is subdued and has been subdued by humankind. 8 But no human being can subdue the tongue;

We cannot subdue the tongue because Jesus said – from the HEART a person speaks. The only way to change our speech is to have our heart transformed – and the only way for that to happen is for God to transform our hearts. We spoke about that a couple weeks ago.

it is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse people made in God's image.

Just a final word as we communicate with others: When you are communicating with another person, you are communicating with someone who is created in the image of God. If Jesus Himself sat down with you – how would you communicate? You’d probably REALLY THINK before saying anything! But when a person from work sits down to talk to you – you are speaking with someone created in the image of God – and it should be no different.

James 1:26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.