01.24.2016 2 Cor. 2 - How to Handle Conflict

1-24-2016 How to Handle Conflict from Grace Summit on Vimeo.

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Lord, thank You for Your word. Speak to our hearts this morning, that Your Holy Spirit would guide the words that are said and that we would have ears to hear.
We are studying 2 Corinthians. It was in the news this week – if you have no idea what I am talking about, Google it!
2 Cor. 2: 4 For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not so that you would be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.
5 But if any has caused sorrow, he has caused sorrow not to me, but in some degree—in order not to say too much—to all of you.
There was another letter between 1 and 2 Corinthians. It was a rebuke that caused trouble and sorrow. There were some issues that needed to be corrected in the church. He says he did it out of love – to correct them – out of love. Sometimes love has to confront problems. When love confronts a problem, it must be done in grace and compassion – with a heart of compassion – but it must be done. It is not enough to push the problem under the rug. When we act like a problem is not there, it just grows worse. If we ignore it, the next time it comes up, it irks you that much more. It is lying deep in there and it will come out eventually. It is important – when issues come up, that we deal with them with love and grace and compassion. God wants us to address things – not cover them up.
In 1 Cor. 5 – one of the big issues was immorality – there was a man – which Paul dealt with in the in-between letter – a man, most likely a wealthier man – who was sleeping with his father’s wife (his step mother) while his father was most likely still alive. This was considered immoral, even in Corinth – and it was illegal/criminal in the Roman world – and the CHURCH was proud of it! And was doing nothing! The penalty was 5 years of banishment to a criminal island.
Paul’s response was to tell them to banish him from the fellowship. And they didn’t do anything about it – but Paul eventually gets them to deal with it – and in verse 6,
6 Sufficient for such a one is this punishment which was inflicted by the majority, 7 so that on the contrary you should rather forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him. 9 For to this end also I wrote, so that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things.
So they put him out of their fellowship – but they forgot that they then needed to restore him. There are times when some form of discipline must be addressed. It can’t be a free-for-all – but discipline is necessary and restoration is necessary. Reaffirm/restore/bring it back together. The church is like family – he may have caused problems, but he is still family and you can’t give up on family. Even at times there are great problems in families, but there needs to be restoration – and not just giving up.
10 But one whom you forgive anything, I forgive also; for indeed what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ, 11 so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes.
What Paul does is uses the circumstances of this man to reveal an important truth about the enemy – one of his top strategies is to create relational conflict. We all know that and experience it on a regular basis. You know – when you get married and fall in love – because we are blinded by love, there is no conflict – and that is because that is the enemy’s attack. Same in the church – we think – we should go there, everyone is kind and great – but there is conflict! That is what the enemy does – create conflict in relationships.
If conflicts aren’t resolved, things are destroyed and fall apart. He uses our flaws and weaknesses and sins to create conflict.
For some- it works its way out in bitterness, or dissension, or favoritism, or anger. He knows what pushes our buttons and uses people you are close with to push them to create conflict.
I’d like to look at two ways in which these conflicts arise – Speech – and Actions. That pretty much covers everything.
I’m not going to focus on the blatant ones – but the subtle ones. Gossip – that is one of the blatant ones – and it destroys relationships. So does lying and slander. There are so many things that are obvious that should not be done. But then there are some subtle ones…
Speech.
1) Careless and insensitive speech. We are not thoughtful. Speaking without thinking. That is huge. We just TALK – without thinking through what we are going to say. We think something needs to change or we have a different opinion – so we think we need to say something – but before you do – you need to think about how it is you are going to say what you need to say. It is not enough to say the right thing – you have to say it in such a way that the other person understands your love and concern for them. If you say the right thing without that understanding, you are of no help in the conflict. AND, we need to say the right thing in such a way that the other person understands what we are saying and why we are saying it. It comes down to the skill of understanding the other person’s viewpoint. Stop – have the humility to say, this is the way I see it, but just maybe they see it differently – and it is my job to think about how they see it before I engage in that conversation.
You need to be able to say things in such a way that the person who holds the other view would say it – and would say, Yes, that is how I feel about the situation. That is what it means to understand.
Proverbs 15:2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly.
This is what happens when we don’t think it through.
We turn wisdom into folly when we spout. We turn God’s truth into folly when we spout. The new new new living translation. When we let it come out without thinking through how the other person might understand it.
The heart of the wise instructs his mouth and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Prov. 16:23
With our heart – with empathy and sympathy and compassion, we must instruct our mouth how to communicate what we need to say.
We need to speak out of the heart – in understanding and compassion. Our tendency is to speak from passion. You want to speak passionately about the things you hold deal – but not from passion. From understanding and compassion. This is the foundation. Too many people allow their passions to direct them and their speech.
2) Another form of speech that causes problems – accusation. The enemy, Satan, is the accuser of Christians. When you do this – you are judging motives. It takes time to learn these things – we’ve discovered. “WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?” Oftentimes, absolutely nothing was meant by it – it was simply a question. We tend to question people’s motives. We need to be careful about that. It happens all the time in the world.
3) Having a critical spirit or a spirit of criticism. There is a time to evaluate – and that is important – but there is never a time to have a critical spirit or a spirit of criticism. It drives people away. It doesn’t mean we can’t correct – because there are times when love corrects – like I said at the beginning. But a critical spirit can destroy a relationship.
4) Speculations and assumptions. We get the wrong look from someone and we think they don’t like you. Cindy tells me that they probably weren’t even thinking about me – “People are way too selfish to be thinking about you.” Most people are just into themselves! Take that how it is. Do you do that? No, you probably have enough troubles of your own.
How to give advice and correction – there are ways to say it.
1) Seek an invitation to speak. Sometimes I will ask the question – “would you like some advice?” Would you like my opinion? Sometimes it is best to ask. If you just give it – they may say, well who asked you?! If you ask first – you are free to give your opinion.
2) Win the right to speak – by demonstrating love and concern and desire for the person’s good. We may have the right thing to say, but maybe we aren’t the right person to say it. Ask – have I won the right to speak into this person’s life? If not, then guess what? Don’t speak. Win the right to speak.
3) Listen first – He who gives an answer before listening – to him it is folly and shame – Proverbs says. Let that sink in. Sometimes we should walk around with a sign… Folly and Shame. Oftentimes, the ones who win debates are the losers because it is about fast-speak. Seek to understand. This can transform your relationships.
4) People want to be asked, not guilted or shamed into doing things. Whatever the situation – people long to be invited in. We think we can guilt and shame people into doing things. It might work…temporarily. It doesn’t work with children and it doesn’t work with adults.
Actions can cause relationship conflicts. There are blatant actions - Beating someone up is an obvious one. There are more subtle ones:
1)Partiality and favoritism – it just ruins relationships. At a job – if the boss has a favorite, it ruins the morale of the workplace. It is the same in a church or family. The story of Joseph and his brothers – It ruined the family. The same thing can enter the church – cliques can develop. In their churches, it was between the rich and poor, free and slave, upper class/lower class. They had systems set up. Everyone knew it. If you were born into the right family – you got the privilege or not.
We have found ways to make people less equal. The cool and uncool – young and old, spiritual/unspiritual, families/singles. Think – where do I show favoritism? It needs to be addressed in our lives.
2) Turf wars in the church – it is easy for people to possess their ministries and responsibilities. This is mine – don’t touch it! We don’t actually say that – but find ways to implement that. Every voice in the church matters. It is beyond voting. It goes beyond that in a church. There must be a sense of each person valuing the opinions and thoughts of the others.
Whatever our gifting or responsibilities, - it all belongs to God and we are just stewards. It is all God’s and we are His partner – so there is no reason to hold onto it. We just need to open our hands and let go.
2 Cor. 2: 12 Now when I came to Troas for the gospel of Christ and when a door was opened for me in the Lord, 13 I had no rest for my spirit, not finding Titus my brother; but taking my leave of them, I went on to Macedonia.
This verse, believe it or not, seemingly simple, has had significant debate among scholars! I would look at it like this: Paul’s concern for the Corinthians was at a higher priority than even starting a new mission.
2 Cor. 2: 14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. 15 For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; 16 to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life. And who is adequate for these things? 17 For we are not like many, peddling the word of God, but as from sincerity, but as from God, we speak in Christ in the sight of God.
This is familiar language to those who heard it – the triumphal procession was a common thing – like a ticker tape parade, the general would bring his army through the city and would lead the soldiers with music and trumpets and the captives behind them. We don’t have this here, but it is like when a team wins a sporting event – a parade of triumph.
We are being led in this victory of God – and we are being led in victory in a letter in which his primary focus is on his struggle and weakness. It is all about struggle and weakness and difficulty – and all that Paul is going through – he is being led in victory IN his weakness and struggle – not in spite of it – but he is saying – when we are weak, then we are victorious. When we struggle – then we see the power of God in our lives. We think – when I get through the difficulty – then I will see the power of God. Paul is saying – no, it is right in the midst of it.
I want to close by mentioning – Thursday night – was the funeral for the Mathers at Christ Community Chapel in Hudson - I don’t know how big it is - but the entire downstairs was full and the upstairs at least half full.
Many spoke – both families spoke – but in this horrible, dark, sad, sorrowful circumstance – the power and grace of God was unbelievable. It was amazing, the testimony that went forth – no one left without being overwhelmed by the love and grace of God – and His power in that situation. In our own lives, we are always waiting to get past something – to get over something – then we can move on. Paul is saying – it is right where you are – that you can move on.
When Paul had something – and asked God to take it away – he was basically told it was his to bear until he died – and because of it – God’s power could come through – so he was set in it.
We need to see where we are is where God’s power can come through.