04.18.2010 How to be Spiritually and Emotionally Healthy - Dealing with Anger

04.18.2010 Grace Summit Sermon - How to be Spiritually and Emotionally Healthy - Dealing with Anger from Grace Summit on Vimeo.

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Candy Lightner and her husband, Steve, had 3 children. May 3, 1980, Cari, their daughter, was walking to a school carnival when she was killed by a drunk driver. 4 days later, Candy found out that the driver was out on bail from another earlier offense. This was the fifth offense in 4 years. That day – she committed to making sure this was not all for naught, and she created MADD. This woman took her anger and channeled it toward something that would help.

Last week we started a series on being spiritually and emotionally healthy.

Lord, we want to thank You that You are a God to be praised and worshipped. As we look at these emotions that at times can get the best of us, we know that You know us and can sympathize with us – we have a high priest who has passed through the heavens – Jesus, the Son of God – who stands for us – having endured what we have to endure. Speak to us now – may Your Spirit touch us. We may have much to complain about, but today we gather to give thanks for what You have done for us – as our advocate and defender and the Father who loves us.

Last week we looked at anxiety – this week we are looking at anger.
This can be a confusing thing…
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry, and [yet] do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
We usually think of anger as a bad thing. Bt the Bible is clear – Be angry! It is almost like a command. It is like anger has two sides – an appropriate anger – and an inappropriate anger. When we look in the Bible, it is usually speaking of the good anger – 375/400 – some – speak of God’s righteous anger. That is a confusing.

Think of Jesus – several occasions – Jesus was angry with the Pharisees – and we know the story of him going into the temple – He didn’t say – you should probably move those tables over there… - NO! He checked it out the night before and had a plan and displayed his anger!
Eph. 4: 29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such [a word] as is good for edification according to the need [of the moment,] that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice
Anger is meant to be used for good – but because of the fall, we have perverted that emotion – twisted it – so that it comes out in inappropriate ways.
Anger is common to all. You may be thinking – I DO have an anger issue. This may touch a nerve in you today. We think of certain types of people having anger issues. But I think we all have anger issues – and I am going to prove it to you.
Anger expresses itself in different ways – and in opposite ways. There are 2 general ways anger comes out – and that is what makes it confusing and difficult. We are familiar with EXPLOSIVE anger. Outbursts – yelling at the kids – throwing the shoe at the TV – bullying – manipulating – and all of us manipulate at times – and it stems from anger. Compulsive behavior – compulsive TALKING is an issue of anger. Justification – imposing our own preferences and convictions as standards on others. There are the simple and clear standards of the Bible – the Ten Commandments and such – but there are other things that are personal preferences and standards.
The other anger – IMPLOSIVE anger – that which is internalized. I am a little better at this one. I think we are taught that you are supposed to do it like this – suppressing it. This is seen in self condemnation and putting oneself down.
Avoidance - some of us deal with anger by avoiding people or circumstances – and that may be okay – and it is better to avoid that to punch! But that can’t go on forever.
SARCASM – sarcasm is anger – a sneaky way.
Being overly submissive – giving in – because you don’t want to deal with the real issue. This is really just hidden anger.
Anger is a complex emotion because it is connected to other emotions. Stirred – by disappointment, shame, and rejection.
This is often directed toward a person – but sometimes it is circumstantial. Like, when your car breaks down – it is not doing this to hurt you! It is just a car – it is in their nature to break – God created them that way.
Appropriate anger is motivated by a wrong or injustice that is done. Like the woman from MADD – she took that – I’m sure she was angry – but she did something positive with it that has had significant impact.
When you witness an injustice – if you see a kid bullying another – you should get angry and then step in and stop it.
At this point something happens. When anger begins to stir in you – there is a fork in the road of your hear t- you have a choice to make – how you will handle it – right or wrong. The event stirs up what is inside of us and we have a decision to make – which way will you go. Righteous anger is guided by love, protection and understanding. There is this thing that rises up that says protect the child being bullied. But it is so easy to step down the wrong road – to turn down inappropriate anger. It is almost identical in motivation – there is only one slight difference. Inappropriate anger is motivated by a wrong or injustice that is perceived – that MIGHT not really be there. We see that we have been wronged – someone treated us unjustly –
It may be as simple as coming home and realizing that your wife left her socks on the floor – Patty said – Like that will ever happen! – But we think it is done with ill will. The Love and Respect seminar has shown us to be aware that it is not usually out of ill will. I know I have gotten angry toward my kids – but they were not out to get me – they were just being kids. It is a perceived wrong or injustice.
WHY? Why do we go this way? You don’t want to! You know what it is like when you have blown up or imploded with anger! But why do we go there? From here into the next section – Cindy and I talked and she helped me a lot with this section – she has had to deal with a lot and has gone through some things in counseling that I’ve learned a lot from. In a couple weeks, we will have a panel of those who have had some real experiences and how to deal with it.
Present anger has a source in the past. It is not the spilled milk you are angry about – there is something else. We were talking in one of our men’s meetings – I was getting their advice – men may have more of a problem with this. One said – I never had an anger problem until I had children. He was joking – realizing that the kids did not create his anger, but rather, brought it out.
It is important to understand – if you have a continual problem with anger – you must dig into it to find the source of it – GO THERE AND DEAL WITH IT! It is not going to go away or disappear! Go to the source and deal with the issues – you may need help in it.
Some of the things Cindy shared – some exercises she has done.
Take a sheet of paper –
People who have wronged you – and how they have done it – in two columns. You have to identify it – you have to go there.
Then – This one seems a little odd – to understand that YOU are forgiven. You think – I need to forgive that person – but it starts with understanding your own forgiveness. The cross is the pathway – the foundation for spiritual and emotional health. We cannot do it without that. Guilt prevents us from moving forward. As long as you live in the past, you cannot deal with the anger. It starts with the cross. It needs to be a habit of your life – to think about what Christ did for you on the cross – I think that is why so many of the songs we sing deal with that. It is the foundation of spirituality.
3) Attempt to reconcile – to forgive the people on that list. Sometimes it is not possible – sometimes we attempt and they won’t hear it. Like Romans says – as much as it depends on you –be at peace with all men. You take whatever effort YOU are responsible for. You are not responsible for the other person – you are responsible for you. IF they are not interested, you are off the hook! But what you need to do at that point – you need to release – let go. IT takes time – but it takes a lot of work. Don’t think that I think any of this is easy! It may take counsel and help – depending on your situation.
4) another exercise – bringing the past into the present. Don’t connect the current behavior of the individual with the behavior of the past. We tend to tie the two together – seeing the person now as they were then – and that hurts – but we have to learn not to connect those two.
5) Set time before God to bring your anger before God – to focus on it – to pray and discuss it with God. Ten minutes a day and then leave it! Things I am anxious about – PRAY! – What I discovered – sometimes we turn prayer into anxiety out loud! Evening and morning and afternoon will I pray – and cry aloud – I’m allowed to vent in prayer 3 times a day!
Chart over a week – each day – how you are doing. Then give yourself ten minutes with God to rate yourself 0 to 10 – and how did you get there. Once you do that – leave it and move on. That is a key.
In closing – I’d like to give more of a Biblical perspective.
Practically – how do you deal with the typical things that come up daily. IF the past is an issue – deal with that first.
James 1: 19 [This] you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak [and] slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
First – step one – inside you – because of hurt, disappointment, whatever – the anger begins to build…step one is to acknowledge it to God – don’t deny it. Our tendency is to deny. But change only starts to happen when you acknowledge there is an issue. Regardless of whether the anger is appropriate or not.
Second – slow to anger – restrain action. See, when you confess it to God, that allows you to stop – it only takes a second.
Yesterday I was driving 37 or 38 in a 35 zone – and this van was driving on my tail – so I sped up to 39 – I was guilty all night for that! I almost called the cops on myself! But this guy ROARED around me… I didn’t act on it.
Proverbs 14: 29 He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.
Third - Figure out - Is it something current or in the past?
Fourth – Get all the facts – be quick to hear! Understand the situation completely. All the facts. That guy was probably going to the hospital or something like that –
5th – Slow to speak! That is where we get in trouble – the mouth opens up and starts all of the problems. In the love and respect thing – they are teaching us how to express these things – “This made me feel like…” – not accusing – not angry – be SLOW to speak.
Finally – act in love and protection! Once you get all of these down – you are able to act! Issues don’t go away – we need to act. At times we hope things will disappear and dissolve. When you first get married – you ignore all the flaws… and that lasts for a few weeks… but then things start coming up – things start happening – and that doesn’t go away – so you have to deal with it – but you have to deal with it with this process in mind for change to take place. Then act in love, protection, and understanding.
Affirm love. You love one another. Make sure that is remembered. In the conflict – in the heat of it – we tend to forget that.
In closing –I urge you – if it is a real issue – get help if you need it. If you have emotional health issues – that are deep seated –
He has shown you what the Lord requires of you – to love justice – to show mercy - to walk humbly with your God.
I encourage you to get involved in a ministry where you can show mercy – to show justice – to look for people to whom you can minister who have been wronged. Let’s pray.
Lord, we know that – Lord, this is an issue for all of us in one way or another. We know how much this affects relationships – so I ask that we would deal with it – to support one another – not to be proud and think we are better – but to humbly acknowledge that we need your help and grace – In Your name we pray.