08.03.2014 How to Discern and Deal with The Wise, The Foolish and the Evil

8-03-2014 The Wise, The Foolish, and The Evil from Grace Summit on Vimeo.

Melissa and I belong to two small groups. In one of the groups we are the oldest ones in the group – we call this our ‘young couples group’– in the other we are the youngest – and we’re smart enough to not have a name for that group. In our ‘young couples group’, we’ve been going through a book coauthored by Henry Cloud called Boundaries with Kids. If you’ve never read any of the ‘Boundaries’ books, I would encourage it. In addition to the Boundaries with kids book, there is the original, Boundaries – then Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries in Dating, then Boundaries with Teens, Boundaries for Leaders, Boundaries Face to Face, and last but not least,
Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships.

Like I mentioned, these books are coauthored by Henry Cloud – and it is one of his ideas that I would like to present and expound upon today –

Typically, in life, we think we need to treat everyone the same. But the Bible gives some very specific instructions on how to treat 3 different groups of people: The wise, The foolish, and the Evil.

Proverbs 9:7 Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults;
whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse.
8 Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you;
rebuke the wise and they will love you.
9 Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still;
teach the righteous and they will add to their learning.
10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
11 For through wisdom your days will be many,
and years will be added to your life.
12 If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you;
if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer.

This instructs me to not treat people the same way – This is not about favoritism, it is about discernment. Read through proverbs – this holds true.

A few qualifiers – Proverbs is Wisdom genre – it is how life generally works – not ALWAYS.

Generally, we try to avoid generalizations about people – and categorically, we don’t like categorizing people – but the important thing to realize is that at different times and in different areas, all of us can fall into each of these camps – it’s just that some like to camp out in one more than the others!

In a lot of ways, This is all about figuring out our blind spots.

You won’t be able to see people accurately until you yourself are wiser.

Let’s pray…

I have a confession to make. I am a recovering fool.
God has given me control over the recovery of exactly one fool on earth.
With all the others, all I have is a little influence.

And if you think you are among the wise – be careful:
Proverbs 26:12 Do you see a person wise in their own eyes?
There is more hope for a fool than for them.

Let’s start with the wise:
The wise show good judgment – able to discern true and false – not easily deceived; sensible, enlightened. No one is born wise – but the wise have one overriding characteristic ––
1) They are listeners. They listen carefully. They really listen. You might say – where is that in the Bible? – What did Solomon ask for? Wisdom? The Hebrew says – a listening heart.
The wise – when instruction comes to them – they lean in – they are willing to suffer pain to gain a better handle on truth. They ask clarifying questions.

One of my faults is that I always look for the silver lining in a bad situation.
Back when we were first having kids, my friend’s wife had lost her job – and he was depressed about it and they were concerned about their situation. I failed to empathize and instead said to him, “Well now you can start a family!” It took him a long time to let me know that I had done that and I felt terrible – but I am learning to have more empathy and not just look at every silver lining. Like I said, I am a recovering fool.

Prov. 10: 8 The wise of heart will receive commands, But a babbling fool will be thrown down.

A wise person listens to God’s commands. They have Boundaries. Principles. Truth. Right and wrong – they listen. They don’t look inside for truth – the fool does that. They look to the Lord for truth:
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. The wise person says, “When what You say, God, is contrary to my personality/upbringing/peer group – I am willing to trust YOU!”

God is the only who knows all, sees all, understands all– I don’t.

Prov. 12:15 – the wise man listens to advice.
This doesn’t mean you have to do everything that everyone advocates – but really LISTEN and give deep consideration to advice.
As you grow wiser – you can listen to others’ stories and grow in the process – Wise people are able to learn from others’ mistakes!

As we look at the Characteristics of wise people – not only are they Good Listeners, they are

2) Open to Correction – willing to be wrong. They admit, “I know there is a lot I don’t know, see or understand – so, they are open to correction.

When someone corrects them – they don’t just lean in – indicating that they are actively listening – they ask for more. When my friend told me what I had done, I’d have been wise to ask, “Is there any other way I’ve offended you?”

Prov. 17:10 A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding Than a hundred blows into a fool.

A wise person is open to correction.

1) Good Listeners
2) Wise people are open to correction
3) they act thoughtfully.
My wife is one of the wisest people I know – she is able to think through a situation and recognize what is needed. She is a great balance to my impulsiveness – she acts thoughtfully.

Vacation?

4) They wound SKILLFULLY – this is a big deal. Wise people learn to wound skillfully.
Prov. 13: 14 The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, To turn aside from the snares of death.
Are you a wise wounder to the people around you? The question is not – do you wound? But rather, “do you wound wisely?”

At the end of the message, if we have enough time, I’ll give instruction on how to wound wisely.

How do you relate to a wise person? What does the book of Proverbs recommend?
1) TALK with them
engage them – invite them into your world.

You can give them the gift of correction and they will receive it.

You talk and
2) Give them resources – if it is someone working for you – make sure they are a match for what you need. Give them increased responsibility

3) Keep them challenged appropriately

4) Become friends! These are the people you want in your inner circle.
Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with wise men will be wise,
But the companion of fools will suffer harm.

5) Reciprocate! If you have a person open to correction – you need to reciprocate –
“I want to extend an invitation to you – if you see something in me that would benefit from correction – I give you permission to wound me in love.”

Have you given that permission to anyone?

Proverbs 19:20 Listen to counsel and accept discipline,
That you may be wise the rest of your days.

That is how you deal with the wise – now how do you recognize the Fool?

Weather Radar -

A fool – the definition – one lacking common sense or sound judgment; unaware and easily deceived; simple, naïve, shallow, without caution

There is hope for dealing with difficult people – but not unless we tailor our relational dealings to where they are coming from…
We are born foolish and evil. Those who are given to foolishness and evil –won’t have control over you unless you give it to them.

People have control over you only to the degree that you give it to them.

Prov. 14: 15 The naive believes everything, But the prudent man considers his steps.

When light shines on a situation -
The wise person adjusts himself to the light. But what does a fool do? The fool tries to adjust the light – to adjust the truth. The wise man changes himself – the fool tries to change the truth.

If a wise person has a listening heart – what do you think is the most single characteristic of a fool?
Characteristics of a fool
1) Does NOT listen
Prov. 12:15 the way of a fool seems right in his own eyes. That is true for all of us – but a wise man listens to advice. The problem with a fool – they can’t get their arms around the idea that THEY may be more of the problem than YOU are.

Prov. 20:3 – every fool is quick to quarrel – Conflict is inevitable – Combat is optional. Only God has a handle on THE truth – the best I’ll ever do – is to have a handle on some subset of the truth.
2) If the wise person accepts correction – the fool defends against it.– the opportunity to learn.
Prov. 28: 26 He who trusts in his own heart is a fool,
If your default position is – I’m right – you are a fool. Only God is always right. –Knows all, sees all, understands all.

Proverbs 15:12 A scoffer does not love one who reproves him, He will not go to the wise.
He does not accept correction; he doesn’t seek advice

The wise knows – even if I think I’m right – I might be wrong.

God is the only one who sees all. I must listen carefully

3) They act impulsively
Prov. 14:6 a fool is hotheaded and reckless
29:11 – a fool gives full vent to his anger

Anger always means something. What does it usually mean? As Mike has been sharing - It is a secondary emotion – there’s usually something else going on – usually means – I’m hurt – and I have pain (physical or emotional) – OR – I am not in control. When you can’t control things – that is a place to trust God and not yourself –

If your life is a car - and you have feelings – The fool has his feelings in the driver’s seat. It may be that you are hurt, or frustrated – because you don’t have control over everything in your life – and High control people tend to be high anger people. A fool gives full vent to his anger.
The fool has his feelings in the driver’s seat – and they never belong there!
Your feelings always have meaning – they always belong in the car, but never in the driver’s seat. Don’t deny their existence – don’t throw them out of the car - nor let them have control

Ephesians 4 says Don’t let the sun go down on your anger? HOW?!!! By changing my attitude – ask:
What can I listen for? Where do I need correction? Not where do THEY need correction?– or where does SHE need correction? But where do I need correction?
How do I need to be more thoughtful and less impulsive?

You must put God’s truth in the driver’s seat, not your feelings.

How do you deal with a fool? IN a lot of ways, these are also methods for dealing with children – Proverbs 22:15 says foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Proverbs 17:10 A rebuke impresses a discerning person
more than a hundred lashes a fool.

A fool learns from the discipline of discomfort and pain.

What did the Father do with the prodigal son? Did he beg him to come back?
No - He allowed him to experience pain.
God will allow us to eat that pigslop until we are sick because He is wise and He knows we will not learn without pain.
Do not rescue them from pain. Cooperate with God.

First -
1) Limit talk with them – Dr. Cloud says we talk too much with them. Why? They grasp pain far better than persuasion. AND – you
2) Set limits with them – for example,
My friend could have said to me, “Jeff – until you are more sensitive to my feelings, I will have to limit my time with you.”
Or,
If someone always asks you to babysit at the last minute, you could say – “I’d be happy to babysit for you, but you need to give me at least x days notice!”

So first, limit talk with them, second, Set limits, and third,

3) Give consequences
- or allow them to receive the natural consequences of their actions. Like Mike has said – if your child forgets his lunch on the kitchen table, “Don’t chase the bus!” – let them go hungry and he will not forget it the next time!

Fools do not change with truth coming to them that they can dispose of, they only change when they have to camp out in the pain. They only change when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same!

IF the person who always asks you to babysit at the last minute calls and asks you to babysit tonight – you let them suffer the consequences you warned them about: I told you – I’d be happy to babysit, but you have to give me enough notice. This is not enough notice, I cannot babysit for you.

4) If possible - Give a Choice – Basically it is “you can choose to do the right thing or suffer the consequences” - this is easier when you are dealing with a child – “You can choose to finish your meal and get dessert or not finish your meal and not get dessert.”

5) Follow through – especially if you gave a warning that included consequences!

There is great hope for fools – Jesus died for fools!
We are all ‘recovering fools’ to some degree!

Let me read from Dr. Cloud’s book, Necessary Endings:

“Just as wise does not necessarily mean smart or extremely gifted,
foolish does not mean dumb or lacking talent. Ironically, a fool actually
may be “the smartest person in the room,” or the most gifted or
charming. Because of that, fools often keep us confused because of
their many wonderful attributes. Our attraction to their talents and
gifts keeps us hooked and makes it difficult to give up on them. So
we continue to try, thinking that “one more conversation” will do
the trick. But we get more of the same kind of behavior each time we
try to solve a problem or give input, coaching, or correction.


“You cannot control them or get them to change. What you can do is create an ending to the effects (that) their refusal to take responsibility is having on you or others. By so doing, you
have accomplished two things that nagging did not do. You have limited the effects of their behavior on you and others…and you may have done the one thing that can influence them to change. Talking will not help, but doing something that causes them to feel the consequences of their behavior may be what finally turns them around.

So, we’ve seen how to deal with the wise and the foolish – I wish we didn’t have to go here, but there is another group out there – the evil.
Evil – morally depraved – bad, malicious, wicked, corrupt, perverse, causing harm with vile or vicious intent. I am not speaking from moral superiority – I am a sinner saved by grace.
If you are an optimistic, loving person, it is hard to believe that there are evil people in this world.

Some of you are thinking – you have such a dark view of humanity. 1 Small data point. How many minors will be solicited online for sex this year mostly by adults who are concealing their intentions/identity? One in 5 children will be solicited online. Look it up. We live in a wicked age –

Characteristics of the evil person:
1) Does not care. We think – I care – therefore, everyone cares. There are those who want to hurt you and want to see you fail. The more naïve we are, the harder this is to believe.
2) They are divisive.
Prov. 29: 7 The righteous is concerned for the rights of the poor, The wicked does not understand such concern.
They WANT To hurt you – they want to see you fail. Could I be given over to evil? I hope not, but the Bible says our hearts, apart from what Jesus has done for us, are desperately wicked.
3) They hate correction.
Some are just GIVEN to wickedness/malice/evil. They HATE correction

Prov. 9:7 – reprove a wicked man and incur abuse.

4) They act deceitfully.
12:5 the advice of the wicked is deceitful.

4) Harms intentionally – They have destruction in their heart – they want to inflict pain.
Prov. 12: 10 A righteous man has regard for the life of his beast, But the compassion of the wicked is cruel.

What do you do in dealing with them –?
1) Protect against them – if possible, avoid them.
Prov. 22:3 the prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it.
Even in the New Testament, Paul warns Titus (3:10) Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.

Dr. Cloud says if you have to go to the table with an evil person, go with lawyers, guns, and money – Dr. Cloud is not advocating actually using a gun to shoot someone, but you may need to call the police. You may have to learn this phrase: I will only talk to you through my attorney.

Protect yourself and prepare for war.

If you are dealing with a violent husband – you call the police. You fight – because it doesn’t go away without a fight.

If you need help dealing with someone, ask for help. If you feel like you are dealing with someone who has malicious intent – get help – either from a pastor, a friend, or the police.

So this is the best advice for dealing with those who have true malicious intent: avoid them. Our ultimate desire would be that they would come to Christ, but if they have been warned twice and are still divisive, Paul urges us to “have nothing to do with them”

I told you earlier if we have time, I would give instruction on how to ‘wound wisely’ – that is, how to say something that might be difficult for someone to hear:

When you feel like you really need to say something:

4 way question – True? Tender? Trust? Time?
1) Is it true? Is it consistent with my best understanding of the Bible? Or is it just my opinion? Is it true? That is much bigger than what you feel.


2) Am I Tender? It may be true – but if you bear a grudge and want to see them bleed – don’t say it! If I’m acting out of impulse, I need to keep quiet.

Ephesians 4:15 says we speak the truth in love – so it needs to be both true and tender.

3) will it build Trust? This is multifaceted – I have something to say to you – it may hurt – will you give me permission to share this with you? Will it build trust?

4) is it Time? – you must consider their capacity to hear.

At one time I thought – if it is true, it will build trust – and it must be time for them to hear it!
Like my friend’s situation – yes, I should have shown compassion and listened more – and it DID turn out to be true that shortly after that, they started a family – but it wasn’t the right time for me to ‘look for the silver lining.’
How do you know it is time?
Jesus, in John 16:12 –
12 “I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. 13 But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth;”
Between John 16:12 and the cross – what did he say to them? Nothing! Can that make sense? Everything he would have said would have been true – and he was tender – but it wasn’t time. The Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth – but YOU are not the Holy Spirit to people.

If they won’t listen, you may do more harm than good.
Jesus could tell when they were able to handle it – how do you know?
If it is a really difficult thing for someone to hear – and you feel it is true and your heart is tender and it will build trust, but you’re not sure if it is time – if they can really handle it
Write out what you have to say – ask permission – would you please read it – let’s talk. If they say no, I am not willing, then walk away. It is not time. Let them come to you when they are ready.

In closing
Again, regardless of whom you are dealing with: The wise, the foolish, or the evil, we all need God’s grace and His Holy Spirit to give us wisdom and discernment:

James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Hopefully these tips will point you in the right direction for discerning and dealing with The Wise, The Foolish, and The Evil.

Let’s pray.