10.21.2012 Boundaries!

SermonAudio

Alan and Annette landed in Mexico yesterday – with Riverview Church from East Lansing – seeking to see if this might be somewhere we as a church would be able to serve.
Thank You for Alan and Annette – bless their service in Mexico – unite them with the Riverview Church team there, Dan Price and others – keep them safe – healthy – encouraged – that they might serve You fully. Bless this message time now – speak and teach us – we desire to hear from You – You are our teacher and comforter and we need to hear from You. Help us to give You the freedom to speak to us.
We are going to close the series on Margins and Boundaries – and we are going to focus on Boundaries today – Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written series of books – this has become foundational for relationships – if you have never read this book – I encourage you to. There is so much taught from a Biblical perspective on making relationships work. Over the past year – my wife has recommended it to several coworkers. If you Google “Boundaries” – you’ll first find a lot about borders and such – but also Boundaries in the workplace and with your doctor and even in the political realm. I want to give you a taste of this – that you might go out and investigate it more fully – there are several books – Boundaries with Kids, Boundaries with Teens, Boundaries in Dating, Boundaries in Carpentry, Boundaries in Laundry – you know, once you get a good series going, you may as well run with it, right?
What ARE Boundaries? If you have never heard this before – think of a property line or border – and we’ll take that metaphor and run with it. When you buy a house – you get the land around it – and we are talking about ownership – everything inside of the property line is owned by the owner. We own this building and all the land around it, and everything inside, too – the chairs, the stage, the fake flowers – we are responsible for what is inside our boundary. These books focus on what you are responsible for. We all have boundaries – a property line – things that belong to you that you are responsible for – not chairs and fake flowers, but behaviors, attitudes, feelings, values, morals, emotions, choices, decisions, commitments, health – all of that belongs to you and you are responsible for what you do with all of that.
The Bible is clear, that we have responsibility for ourselves and what goes on inside of our lives. That is the first level of boundaries – and in that – we need to protect and care for what we own. We clean and protect it – we have insurance to protect it – we have a responsibility for who and what come in and who and what stays out (this is a little trickier as a church, because as a church, we welcome anyone). We have a responsibility to set the rules for what goes on in our property line. When we bring that into our lives – these things in our lives – we are responsible to protect our own lives – what is allowed in/what is allowed out. We have freedom and responsibility. There is a different type of boundary – look out the window – they have a property line – and just as important – it tells us what belongs to THEM and where we shouldn’t go. Other peoples’ boundaries are not our responsibility. Others’ choices do not belong to us – they are in control of that. We cannot enter their property and take their windy-up hose thing – I’ve always wanted one of those – but we can’t do that – unless we are invited in and offered it. Those who bust into others’ lives are just as bad or worse than those who aren’t responsible for who they let in.
There are a number of examples of people who don’t exercise their proper boundaries. God gives Adam and Eve a boundary line – you can eat of any tree EXCEPT for the tree of knowledge of good and evil – do not go there. What happens? Eve does not take responsibility for herself and crosses the line – she breaks the boundary – and takes what she is not supposed to – and Adam – rather than taking responsibilities for his decisions, allows himself to be persuaded by Eve and crosses the line. And what does Adam do? He blames someone else – and then Eve blames the serpent.
Prov. 4: 23 Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it [flow] the springs of life.
We have a responsibility to guard what influences our lives. Adam and Eve failed to guard their hearts and their springs of life became polluted. We fail to guard these things and we become polluted – those springs become polluted.
Top Ten ways to know you have issues with boundaries.
1) You have difficulty saying no to people –
2) You are overcommitted and you overbook your schedule – everything is continually pressed – maybe you are trying to impress or need to be needed.
3) You believe the problem will not be solved unless you fix it (especially when it is someone else’s problem)
4) You feel like others (kids, job, parents) are controlling your life and schedule. Too often, we are afraid to hurt others or disappoint them.
5) You avoid or ignore conflict and confrontation. (Usually out of fear of rejection or insecurity)
6) You talk more than you listen.
7) You’re a busybody – meddling in conflicts and issues that don’t belong to you.
8) You are unaware and unresponsive to others’ needs. That is one we don’t think about as much – that is the other side – but it is the same. We need to have a sense of how we affect other people – if we are healthy. Healthy people understand how their actions and behaviors affect others.
9) You manipulate people and outcomes
10) You go against personal values and convictions to make others happy
11) You allow people to hurt you.
This leads me to the next series – this is for Serious Boundary Issues
If this is a tendency in your life – you need to get help – you probably need to talk to somebody. Let me read these:
Inability to say no to hurtful people or destructive impulses.
Inability to hear no from others and respect their limits
Inability to delay gratification to accomplish goals
Tendency to be attracted to irresponsible or hurtful people and try to fix them.
Feel the need to take responsibility for other people’s lives and issues
Becoming romantically involved with someone you feel sorry for
Having difficulty maintaining closeness with others
Tendency to experience life as a victim
Can be easily manipulated or controlled by others so you won’t hurt their feelings
Can find yourself attracted to those who are irresponsible or hurtful and think you can ‘fix’ them
Galatians 6:1 Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; [each one] looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted.
When we look at this passage – we think it is about correcting sin – but there is so much in it – and we’ll continue on with this – that really sets it off. This person discovered in sin – and Paul flips it here – and focuses on the person who is going to go help – the person doing the restoring. You who are spiritual. Before anything happens, the person who is going to help must take responsibility for those things that are important in their own life – you who are spiritual – someone in right relationship with God – in the spirit of gentleness – that is HOW to go – and pay close attention to yourself – make sure you have a grip on your own boundaries – that you have ownership and responsibility of those things you are supposed to – before you get involved in someone else’s. … So that you are not tempted also. There will be a time when you will need to be corrected – and understanding that – you will be able to go into another’s world without infringing on that person’s boundaries without judging.,.
2 Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have [reason for] boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another. 5 For each one shall bear his own load.
Isn’t this interesting – carry others’ burdens – and carry your own load! Each of us is responsible for his own behavior – we are not to change and rescue and fix them. It is not our responsibility to take care of others’ choices – but we are responsible TO them – when things collapse, to pick it up, and love them, and care for them – and to encourage them and to correct them. But we are not responsible FOR them. If we don’t understand the difference between these things, we will be enablers and manipulators. Those are the two natural outworkings of not understanding others’ boundaries. We all do this – most do this with their kids – we control rather than teach responsibility – it happens in the church too! It happens in many aspects of the world.
So, he is saying – we all have issues – brokenness – sin – and at some point, we will need to be confronted. IN order to confront someone, we must be responsible for ourselves – and in doing so, can approach others with grace and gentleness.
First – read the book – I have an assessment to determine if you have a problem with boundaries. How do we take all of this and get a reign on it from a biblical perspective?
First we must understand our identity in Christ –
2 Cor. 5: 17 Therefore if any man is in Christ, [he is] a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
When we come to Christ – this is the foundation for change. We don’t just determine to try harder – you have become new – something major and significant occurs on the inside – you are no longer the person you were before you came to Christ – you are not the boundaryless person you used to be – you are new – and it takes a long time to get that through our hearts.
Eph. 1: 3 Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly [places] in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love
We are loved, chosen, accepted, and forgiven by God – cared for by God – and it all begins there – the Christian life begins there – and we must build upon that foundation – and we must start by having an understanding of our new identity – and that comes by Bible work – understanding what we have in Christ – it comes from prayer, contemplation, examination (seeing what we have within – and how it is being transformed) – and it really comes from having an inner-walk with God. An inner-spiritual life – and that is so critical – and you get there by having a time of prayer and reading the Bible – but it must go inward.
I strongly urge you to read a book like Foster's Celebration of Discipline – or Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership - Ruth Barton, or The Spirit of the Disciplines by Dallas Willard
Then we must deal with our identity in Christ with the ownership issue.
1 Co. 6:20 – For you were bought at a price, therefore glorify God with your body.
Romans 14: 7 For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; 8 for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.
We belong to God and He has full rights over our decisions/values/choices/belonging/responsibilities – and we need to live giving Him full right. He paid a great price for us – a tremendous price was paid for you and me – He has bought us – and for us that is a really hard concept to throw our arms around – because of slavery in the past – and freedom we think we have – but we are owned by Christ – we are bought at a price – but that doesn’t take away our freedom in Christ. Peope who have boundary issues are trapped and held captive by their habits.
For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not be subject again to the yoke of slavery.
For you were called to freedom, brothers and sisters; only do not use your freedom as an opportunity to indulge your flesh – but through love serve one another.
What does this look like? Not to indulge the flesh, but to serve. It is not doing whatever you want – but freedom to serve – that is true freedom! I am free – I can serve. Jesus demonstrated the ultimate freedom before Pilate – any power you have is given by my father – I choose to lay my life down.
In your work – when the boss says do this – think – any authority is given by my father – I choose to do it!
When you’re driving – and that sign says 65 – you choose to go 65.
Each house has its master – and it is not my job to judge what their master wants them to do. It is not your responsibility to judge what their master wants them to do either.
We need to take charge of our own boundaries – and we need to submit/respect others’ boundaries – what God has called the other person to.

Richard Foster: What freedom corresponds to submission? It is the ability to lay down the terrible burden of always needing to get our own way. The obsession to demand that things go the way we want them to go is one of the greatest bondages in human society today.
Let’s pray…