10.24.2010 Love and Acceptance

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LOVE, ACCEPTANCE & COMMUNICATION October 24, 2010

INTRODUCTION:

Today we’re going to talk about Love, Acceptance and Communication. You are in for a treat today. Sue and I are going to tag team here and we really don’t know what will happen. And you can ask our kids about this, it can be a scary proposition having Sue and me tag teaming without knowing what will happen.

SUMMARY:

OPPOSITES:

So relationships: Someone once said that opposites attract. I don’t agree. Maybe in magnetism but can anyone really explain magnetism? In the REAL world opposites don’t always attract:

Take for example the Strong alligator=cute puppy. There is some attraction there to be sure but we are not looking for an attraction that devours.

oil=water two fluids with different properties that just don’t mix well. It can be really ugly.

Take a couple kitchen ingredients with opposite properties like acid and base. This fine gentleman is learning what happens when you mix baking soda and vinegar. Some you even get a violent reaction.

No opposites just don’t attract each other LeBron=Cleveland.

And on top of that, I can’t think of anything more opposite than people. People are all made unique and these differences don’t always blend together well. Sometimes it seems things would be so much easier if there just weren’t all these people around to mess things up. I don’t completely understand God’s thought process and how He was thinking people would ever get along. There is a song out that hits the nail on the head. How many you have ever thought about someone else “I wonder what God was thinking, when He created you.”

It would be so much easier if people didn't get in the way.

We need to really understand love and forgiveness. Too often, if we don't, we become works oriented. We need to have faith that God loves and accepts us totally and completely.

If we don't, we can be critical, suspicious – even though I don't say it out loud, my speech might not be complimentary to them but filled with little digs. I may do things to get recognition – or to gain God's favor – and one of the problems, we don't gain acceptance.

CONNECTEDNESS / COMPLICATIONS OF FORGETTING GOD’S LOVE:

A philosopher once said “There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the creator, made known through Jesus.” That may be true but I am convinced that right along with that God made each of us with a people shaped vacuum as well like maybe an Orek or a Kirby or something. People really want that connectedness and not just with God but also with other people; we just suck at it.

For any human relationship to succeed we need to first and foremost realize God unconditionally loves us and forgives us and that we are totally accepted by Him. If we don’t understand Gods love, forgiveness and acceptance we tend to become works oriented striving to earn acceptance and approval because of what we do, not for who we are. We want that acceptance and we will do what we need to do to gain it. By faith we need to understand God has already given it.

If I don’t fully understand God’s unconditional love, forgiveness and acceptance, I could tend to be critical or jealous or judgmental of others as well as myself. I could tend to be suspicious of anything others did thinking they were just trying to get more recognition. Though I may not say anything out loud, my speech would certainly not naturally be uplifting. It could tend to be centered around me and promoting myself and my accomplishments trying to prove my worthiness and possibly even belittling others. My actions can become more to be seen and with an attempt to win approval. I may do things just to get recognition. I may even do good things like have a quiet time because it earns God’s favor. One of the problems with needing to work to gain acceptance by others is that you will never succeed in doing so. If you focus on gaining others acceptance you will need to work and work and work some more because it will never work out.

A SIGN OF WORKS: EMBARASSMENT:

Sue: Sometimes my kids would embarrass me out in public – I thought I should be the perfect mother. I decided I wouldn't be embarrassed by the kids – I would let them be who they were and not be embarrassed.

Dick:

Mark Twain: “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” If I can comprehend God’s acceptance in my heart, I can be comfortable with myself. I am able to honestly encourage others to better themselves. I am able to honestly praise someone for a job well done. I am happy for others success. Others feel better about themselves having talked with me because I am in no way judging but I am able to be truly and completely concerned about them.

BAD NEWS / GOOD NEWS: BABY AT THE STORE

Bad news – There is nothing you can do to make God love you.

Good News – Because He already loves you gtotally, completely and thoroughly.

I learned an important lesson when I was in Giant Eagle – you can buy it there! Dick: But it's cheaper at Marc's! Sue: I ran into a single guy from church at Giant Eagle when I was pushing a sleeping baby. He admired the baby and said – Does he do anything?! Well, no, not except for the big five basics – sleep, cry, eat, mess diapers, and look amazingly beautiful. We don't love him any less because he doesn't do anything. We could sit for ages just watching a new baby and being fascinated by his beauty and existence. That is how God delights in us.

HIDING BEHIND INTROSPECTION:

Dick: Through my youth I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. In all that thinking though I never really learned how to be connected with people. I wanted to be connected but I was afraid to talk to people for fear of rejection. Then I met Sue and then I met God. Immediately everything in my life stayed the same. Sure we become new creatures in Christ but we still have a good bit of baggage from our past to drag around. I spent years building up baggage and it takes a while to dispose of it.

I tend to be an introspective individual; some may say I am an introvert. I can be very analytical of myself but I find that I often do not have such a good grasp on how to communicate my internal feelings with others. I believe however that to some degree I had found a hiding place in my introvertedness; a safe place to hide when emotions became too intense.

LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE:

One tendency for an introvert is to process thoughts slowly and completely. In discussions as I am processing my thoughts the discussions have already moved on and gone to the next three subjects. If the discussion is a bit emotional my mind can kind of short circuit and lock up. I not only have to process all the possible scenarios I also have to factor in how I feel and what emotions are being expressed by the other person and how that will make me respond and how that response might be perceived and to run this through a couple options. Sometimes I find that an emotional discussion can cause me to basically shut down. Sue is emotionally demonstrative. She can really get into discussions at times. I tend to try to avoid conflicts and keep them lighter with high quality humor. That usually works to make Sue a bit more emotionally charged. The more charged she gets the more I tend to retreat inside my safe place. I do need to process more slowly and I have a hard time processing at all with high emotions flowing. I am fearful that the relationship may be in jeopardy and I need to tread carefully.

SUE

I have found that in these emotionally tense times I need to be sure to communicate what I am going through. I may not be able to communicate my true feelings at this time but I can communicate my processes. “I am processing all this, I hear what you are saying and I understand but I am not sure how I feel yet, I need some time to think though how I feel, I think those things you said are good and true and I need time to think can we follow up later in the week?”

SUE

As Sue pulls back on the emotional level it often frees me up to get back into the game. We often find that we can resolve the discussion right then. That’s between Sue and me. This also applies to family and friends.

Dick – Sometimes I find that an emotional discussion can shut me down. Sue is emotionally demonstrative. I tend to use humor, like you're being treated to today – and I find that gets her even more emotionally charged!

Sue: Coming from a Jewish Italian background – the quieter he got the louder I got.

Dick: I had to learn to communicate. I am processing all this – I am thinking about it – I need time to think about it – can we follow up later in the week? I hear what you are saying and it is good.

Sue: When Dick started sharing like that – it gave me the assurance that he wasn't just judging me, and I wasn't angry.

Dick: When she got less angry – I was better able to process – and often we were better at solving those things right there.

I often find myself thinking about my family or friends while at work. I may find myself crying or laughing about some situation. I have this carved wood thing that Joseph made years and years ago that just says daddy. I keep it on my computer. Sometimes I look up at that and think about the time we built the deck or fixed bikes or sometimes how I have failed to be the daddy he wanted. My screen saver is sometimes set to run through some old family pictures. I will sometimes see some old situation and chuckle about some of the things said or done. I come home after a day at work and feel totally connected with my family because I have lived with them so much inside my head. But I am afraid my family doesn’t always know I feel this way. They have relentlessly showered me with little knick knacks to take to the office or hang on my car mirror or pictures to hang on my wall. Sue is very demonstrative with her emotions; not just in discussion times but also with her affections. My family still snuggles during movie night and plays with my hair. When they do these things I can feel their love and acceptance and it is a very comfortable feeling. Through Sue’s and the children’s love and affection I have felt loved and accepted and I have become freer in my communicating my feelings toward them. This works out in being more comfortable communicating verbally and with touch or smiles or just giving them my attention. All things that do not come natural but I have found that I really want that connectedness and the only way to achieve it is to be willing to come out of the hiding.

35 years ago I did not do a good job of communicating with Sue and I was well aware of this. I spent years like this and developed strong patterns of behavior – a lot of baggage. Over the years however I have learned to communicate in a way that works with Sue. I still find that I think of myself as not communicative. Recently Sue had to tell me “That may have been true in the past but not any more.” It is easy to label ourselves in inaccurate ways based on lies we have told ourselves for years or we can believe the truth about ourselves how God sees us. We need to develop new true labels about ourselves.

LABELS:

2 Corinthians 2:6: …who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant…

Romans 8:37: But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us

Psalm 149:4: For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation

Judges 6:12: The angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him, "The LORD is with you, O valiant warrior."

Isaiah 43:4: Since you are precious in My sight, since you are honored and I love you…
Isaiah 43:1: But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!”